I AM… Identity crisis in Post-conflict Sri Lanka

18 Jul, 2011



Photo by Ishara S.KODIKARA/AFP/Getty Images

“There are no more minorities” said the President after the defeat of the LTTE – a secessionist rebel group that waged a war against Sri Lanka in 2009. From now on, everyone is part of the majority. It was a nice feeling after decades of distinction between the communities in the island. I belong to one of the three recognized minorities of the island – the Burghers. A friend of mine noticed that we were the only ones not represented in the National Flag, I assumed that maybe we shared one strip in the flag with another community. This was not the least an issue for me. But with regards to the current conflict which the country went through I find this misrepresentation amusing.

As a Sri Lankan of mixed ethnicity- Burgher after my dad and Sinhala, after my mother-  I had some great deal to figure out. Aged 13, I presented myself at an acting examination of a prestigious theatre examination board in Britain, and found myself facing a strange examiner who reacted as if he was disappointed in meeting a Sri Lankan under my surname, as if to indicate that my appearance did not suit my surname. I had for the first time experienced discrimination in one’s behavior towards me.  The question was not whether or not it was a discriminatory behavior but to know whether this gentleman knew the history of his own country, a great power in the Colonization period. And that maybe had he known, he’d made the distinction and may have realized that there are British descendants all over Asia due to this wave of colonization by the British, French and the Nordic countries.  This question of proper education succeeded my question of discrimination over appearance and one’s surname. I passed the examination and later took on few exciting Shakespearian and Chekhovian characters on stage. In a way the stage allowed me to hide myself though I did not know what from.

I was parachuted between two countries since  childhood: my mother thought it best to bring up her children, my brother and I, in Sri Lanka. Every August we’d come to Sri Lanka for the summer. I loved it. It was a meeting point with my extended family.  A country with more culture, more tradition, more norms, more customs that would give us a sense in life and enable us connect with our roots, which she thought could not be accomplished in France. Alas, I was nine when she parachuted me from France to Sri Lanka.  I was to perform in the school’s ballet that I had rehearsed for so much, when she came in to school one evening to pick my brother and I and head directly to the island. I didn’t know much about this country. It all seemed so exotic to me; the beaches, the food, the people were all so different yet I felt something in common. At 9, Sri Lanka meant one word to me – holidays. And now it was a lifelong holiday.

I couldn’t speak much Sinhala and English though I perfectly understood both, I expressed myself in French. I attended a very prestigious Catholic school in the capital. It was a girls’ school; I detested it because this separated me from my brother, who was sent to a boys’ school.  Now at this new school, I learned all my prayers, I learned to worship and respect teachers, fascinatingly draped in sarees each day. I also made an amazing discovery- my ethnicity.  As I stood near a teacher’s desk, I happen to see the class register wide open. I took the liberty of checking my name in it. I found it. No. 48 – I was the 48^th student to have arrived to that class, Name, Surname, Date of Birth, Race – Burgher, Nationality – Sri Lankan/French.  I gazed at the Race column for some time. Until this moment I did not know that I was Burgher. I wandered further up on the register in search for my friends;  Rushika was Sinhala, Shaika was Moor- I knew something was up since she’d always turn up with white pants under the school ‘s white dress uniform and a shawl unlike us- , Jacquelina was Burgher and Vinodhya and Kamalini – the twin- were missing.  In the school there would be a class with the letter ‘T’ that was for those students who studied in Tamil as their medium of instruction, and that was where the twins were. We were categorized according to our race. Now I knew who belonged where.

It was interesting to know that I was called a Portuguese Burgher once, because they didn’t understand where my French accent came from and to them it was ‘broken English’. I inquired as to the other types of Burghers: the real ones (British descendants), the Dutch Burghers and the Portuguese Burghers, in order of fluency in speaking English. More classifications were discovered with time: another friend who wore the pants and the shawl was a Mammon that was another type of Muslim along with the Moors and the Malays, again in order of degree of conservatism. My twin friends informed me that they were of the highest class of the Tamils – The Colombo Chetties as opposed to the other Tamils. This was the most enlightening experience during my school years.

Back home I was at caught between two cultures: to worship elders or to hug elders? The former was the norm and rule according to my mother’s mother – my Achchi Amma- who forbade hugging. This was against the wishes of my dad’s mother.  My worry was whether or not to hug or worship my parents: Who do I hug? Who do I worship? Do I worship God in the same manner? I sometimes got confused and mixed up the rules, for which I was given a good telling off and my French origins were blamed. Might have I said “Oops, excuse my French?”

I led my life happily with these minor confusions in my head.  Everything was magnified when bomb after bomb exploded in Colombo on a regular basis. I became more aware of the civil war that the country was going through much long before. Even though I was 8 when I saw the horrible destruction caused by the bombing of the Central Bank in 1996 on French TV, it never felt so real. The LTTE- Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam – waged a war against Sri Lanka; their objective was to gain a separate state meant for the Tamils. It took me two real-life experiences to realize the depth of the situation. More than a war between a country and a terrorist group, many saw it as a war between two ethnic groups; Sinhalese and Tamils. One cannot deny the discrimination. Certainly not I, when I remember clearly that any dark skinned person was immediately identified as a Tamil who then immediately became a Tiger terrorist. I was made to think this way. But I was not the only one.  Two years after the end of this war, I return to France. At an orientation programme in one of the world’s prestigious universities, I presented myself as a Sri Lankan, only to be checked if I’m a Tamil or if not, belonged to those who massacre them. Dumbfounded and shocked at this question I reply and rectify the distorted representation of Sri Lanka and its communities. It deeply wounded me, to know that this is what the world thinks of Sri Lankans.

I used to write essays on my motherland when I was small. Later I heard that there was a fatherland as well. Your motherland, is the country of you birth or origin. Because then I have two motherlands. I was born in one, brought up in another and living in the former. I am more fluent in one language than the other. I am bilingual. No. Trilingual if you count Sinhala. My national identity card says one thing, but my inner self says another. I am legally this but organically that. Where do I belong?  Who am I? Questions ring in my head. Sometimes I feel I’m an –in between- person. Neither here nor there: a stranger in both lands.

Having listened to Kumar Sangakkara’s MCC Cowdrey Lecture, self-realization dawned upon on me and I came to the following conclusion:  in the end, when your country is at stake, which is the case for Sri Lanka, there is no time to think of your ethnic origin, race or caste, you put yourself forward and embrace all ethnicities and call yourself a Sri Lankan.  I may be a Sinhala-Burgher, but looking at the larger picture I am Sri Lankan, and that is all. You adapt and make your own identity out of the cultures you inherit. You are who you are and I am who I am: Sri Lankan, French, South East Asian, European and most of all a citizen of the world.

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Celina Cramer is a French born Sri Lankan studying Economic and Social Administration at the Université Panthéon-Sorbonne – Paris 1.

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10 Comments

1. myil selvan

   July 19, 2011 • 12:11 am

   Dear Celina Cramer,

   You said:

   “I presented myself as a Sri Lankan, only to be checked if I’m a Tamil or if not, belonged to those who massacre them. Dumbfounded and shocked at this question I reply and rectify the distorted representation of Sri Lanka and its communities. It deeply wounded me, to know that this is what the world thinks of Sri Lankans.”

   My response:

   Since you were probably born in 1988, as you say you were 8 in 1996, you probably did not ‘feel’ the impact of the 1983 riots. Just by looking at the TV you say ” it never felt more real” about the Central Bank bombing. If that is the case, how much more would you have felt if you were to see the 1983 riots? Where Thamil guys were stripped naked and beaten to death by Sinhalese youth.

   While it is wrong to stereotype, the sad reality is -there is a majority(NOT ALL) segment of the sinhala people who have racist feelings. So if the French were to think of Sinhalese as those who massacred Thamils, it wouldn’t be entirely distorted. At the same time it is also not entirely true. But when things like the 83 riots take place these unfortunate stereotyping will occur.

   While it is good to rectify distortions. You should also rectify the distortion that the LTTE is only Terrorist and the Government of Sri Lanka (GoSL) is NOT. GoSL is also a terrorist outfit, whether it forms the government of a country or not. The LTTE and GoSL are two sides of the same coin.

   As for many who think it is a war between Thamils and Sinhalese. At least for Sri Lanka, that is the sad reality. Almost all the SL Armed forces are Sinhalese and all the LTTE were Thamil. So you can’t blame those who think of it in such a way. Besides that, the question of genocide is not really a question at all when it concerns a majority of the Sinhalese. What the majority of the sinhalese are asking is – whether the Thamils deserved it or not. In such a culture what do we do?

   When the Sri Lankan Armed Forces/Police rape a Thamil woman and shove a grenade into her vagina and blow her up. What are the Thamil people to do?

   When a Sri Lankan commanding officer forces a Thamil woman to marry one of 10 sinhalese soldiers, shown in a parade, and she refuses. Then all 10 soldiers rape her one by one (this case came before the UNHCHR,1998). Then what are the Thamil people to do??

   When the Sri Lankan State moves in Sihalese people for the purpose of changing the demography of Thamil majority areas, what are the Thamil people to do?

   We have tried going to courts but no redress. When racism is endemic and deep seated in a society it is very hard to find justice.

   The sad reality is that the Sri Lankan government only pushes the Sinhala-Buddhist identity as Sri Lankan. This alienates the minorities. A true sri lankan identity needs to be forged but I doubt the Sri Lankan government will allow it.

   As for tying to identify Thamils as dark skinned. The sinhala-buddhist mindset is based probably on a Myth. They say sinhalese came from North India (Vijaya story) but is this true? Thamil Nadu is the closest place on earth to this island. Don’t you think that the people who came 2,500 years ago to this island, would most likely be from here? Hence, I believe the Sinhalese are descended from Thamils and other South Indians. But they try to distinguish themselves as if though they are a superior (Aryan) race and that this land is theirs and others are foreigners. The Sinhalese case is like the English and Scottish. The English are not from England but Germany. They have named the country they now inhabit after them and the English language that formed over centuries from German. So it is with the Sinhalese. The Scots on the other hand came from Ireland and over the years took over from the Picts (pictland) and now the place is called Scotland. Just because the name of a particular country is named after the majority group that doesn’t always mean they are the first to come or the natives. Just because the language is unique to a particular place that doesn’t mean that language speakers are natives. This is the case with the English and Sinhalese.

   This Vijaya myth (Sinhalese from North India and came first)is being shoved down the throats of children studying in Sri Lanka. They are taught that Sinhalese are natives with others being foreigners. In such an environment how do we forge a national identity that values are differences?

   It is not about your country being at stake. If you take that view it becomes Nationalistic and will tend to divide, in the Sri Lankan context. Because sri lanka as a country is being promoted as Sinhalese. Instead what we need to look at is -being human at stake. Are our people willing to look at it from a human perspective? We are all humans and we are citizens of this earth and we depend on each other, interdependence. In the end you are right in saying you are a citizen of this world. But Sri Lankan that right now denotes sinhalese from the Sri Lankan government’s point of view, which is tragic.

   Just because Kumar Sangakkara said something idealistic does that translate on the ground? Sangakkara is in a better position than most to say the things he has. But unfortunately not everyone in SL is in that position. Sangakkara’s speech was good but he needs to translate it on the ground. He probably could start by talking to the President about genuine reconciliation instead of pseudo reconciliation. He and other influential members of the sinhala community need to push the GoSL to treat every citizen of SL with equality and implement genuine reconciliation. A speech is good, that is the first step. What’s next?

   In the same way I urge you as part sinhalese to urge your sinhala side relatives to push SL government officials to implement genuine reconciliation and to push for an inclusive sri Lankan identity. Any small gesture would do.

   Thank you for your article.

   Reply

   • CWije

     July 19, 2011 • 8:20 am

     Hi Myil,

     I read your reply with interest and i thought of giving my perspective as well. I agree with you on certain comments but feel that i might have a different way of thinking regarding the others.

     Thought I’l first list my profile, so that what i say is taken in context. If i were to tag myself, i’m a Sinhalese Buddhist who even studied at a Buddhist school. I was 23 years old when the war ended, which means i was around for most of it, but missed the critical starting point.

     Remarkably, i have never had any racist thoughts against Tamils or any other race in SL (NOT because i was born a super-good person or something like that!!)but thanks to my parents who ensured that me and siblings learn that Thamils and terrorists are not the same and also the fact that people are not born terrorists, but are made in to terrorist due to circumstance.

     Based on my experience with friends and family, i don’t think that the majority of Sinhalese are racist, but definitely there is a minority of them who are racist. And i think that this is common across all races. there’ll definitely be some narrow-minded person who thinks others races are dirt; i’m sure you would have come across Thamils who are racist. I can remember how me and my friends in University who were from all backgrounds and ethnicity used to tell each other how their grand-uncle or some relative used abusive language when referring to other races. And we all called each other by those names (its too indecent to publish here!) and had a good laugh!! So that’s why i think there are a minority of racists in all races, but on the bright-side i think these minorities of racists in all races are declining, what do you think?

     Next, i’ll move on to your point that the Sinhalese also probably came from Tamil Nadu. As much as i wish that this was the case (because then there would have been no civil war!!!) I believe, as the historical records indicate, that the first ‘Sinhalese’ came, NOT from North India, but Northeast India (current West Bengal/ Bangaladesh etc.) but please do not think that i say this because i think i’m from some superior Aryan cast (I don’t think those historical casts mean anything to modern day people, because even the more recent cast systems are being rejected by the new generations)or because of skin-color (there are plenty of Sinhalese who are dark and plenty of Thamils who are fair!) I only believe this, because of the two languages we speak. If the Sinhalese also came from Tamil-Nadu they would speak Tamil or a dialect of Tamil, but as you may know already, Sinhalese language is derived from Sanskrit which was the ancient language of North and Northeast India and is the root language of modern Indian Languages Hindi, Bengali etc. and probably (not sure) the root language of Bangla as well (Language of Bangaldesh which is close to Bengali). Most Sinhalese words resemble Sanskrit words. And another fact is that if the Sinhalese came from Tamil Nadu, they wouldn’t have perceived the first Tamil migration to be an Invasion and there wouldn’t have been those Historical battles fought in order to conquer the land. However, all this is history and fighting for land was common across the globe those days, but the two important things that i would like to state is that firstly, Sinhalese are not the natives of Lanka, the natives are the present day Veddhas. Sinhalese just happened to come to Lanka around 250-300 years before Tamils and during that time established a culture of their own. Although at that time 300 years was a long time, which helps us to understand the hostility between the two races, now however, those 300 years are insignificant now that its been over 2200 years since the Sinhalese, Thamils and Muslims started living together in SL. This brings to my second point; i came across this study sometime back, which provided facts/analysis that the present day Sri Lankan Tamils and present day Sinhalese had genes in common with each other, than they have with any other race in India (even the Indian Tamils). So that just proves that even biologically all these races Sri Lankan in every sense. I think now its high time we keep our association with different parts of India on the side(just only respect the fact that they are indeed our ancestors, but that’s all) because its just been too long!! (If we still try to associate ourselves with India after 2200 years, what will happen to Australians??! its been only just over 200 years since they came down under! Just to put things in context!)

     I agree with you that there have been many sinhalese who have discriminated and hurt many Tamils (I have asked my father who was in the forces him-self, and he said there have been incidents where soldiers have raped and hurt or killed just because they are Tamils)But i hope you understand that the majority of them are not like that. As to the Anti-Tamil riots in Sri Lanka, from the day i heard about them for the first time, it has been one of the major problems in my head, and i’m still trying to get to the bottom of it, as to how it happened. I have read many publications, websites and spoken to people (Tamil & Sinhala both) about what happened. You have mentioned above that the GOSL is also like a Terrorist Group, and i think i agree with you. If not for the selfish objectives of President Jayawardena who sought personal victory by creating this hate between Tamils and Sinhalese, i think we would not have had to go through this bloody civil war. All the publications mention that the sinhalese who attacked the tamils were thugs/goons hired by the GOSL. I was relieved to find out that normal Sinhala people didnt start attacking there own neighbors (that was the picture i got when i was first told about this) I believe according to your comments above, that you were there at the time of the riots so you would know better i guess, I say this by reading/researching on this matter, but maybe i’m wrong (i sincerely hope not). This was when the Sinhalese and Thamils stopped trusting each other (Tamils saw hatred/death when they saw Sinhalese and Sinhalese saw terrorists when they saw Thamils) This was the sad situation which prevailed in this country for a long time, but i think we have been given a chance to forget all that and rebuild our trust. we can keep blaming each other and government, but there will be no solution. I don’t expect any government to give a complete solution because they are just corrupt and power-hungry people who work only for their selfish reasons (most of them). If we progressed in terms of our economy and education i guarantee you that these ethnic problems will disappear. What we need are good institutions and systems. An institution which says that, yes we are from different ethnic backgrounds and that’s good because that’s the rich cultural diversity we have, but however, every one is Sri Lankan. You know, i sometimes hear Sinhalese people say, Tamils should go back to their home, India; I feel embarrassed and angry (i keep quiet if they are elders, try to reason out if there are peers). Then i have come across Sri Lankan Tamils (overseas), who say they are not Sri Lankan and but Tamil Eelam; I feel sad and a strange feeling of loneliness (i keep quiet again). I don’t Judge them (these Tamils or Sinhalese) because in their minds, these comments are valid/justified due to circumstances and the way things have been told to them. That’s why we need good, honest, straightforward, unselfish institutions and proper / balanced education (general and also specific to these issues) so that no one will say anything like what i mentioned above. I dream of that day, and hopefully i’l be able to do something to contribute rather than dreaming! Welcome your thoughts on this.

     Reply

   • Ravana

     July 19, 2011 • 10:21 am

     Myil Selvan,

     If I say I am Sri Lankan, people ask “Are you sinhalese or Tamil” and when I reluctantly say the former, there is relief in their eyes (“He’s not s terrorist”).

     Unfortunately, that is also a stereotype. That does not mean that it is right. In fact the word is used to emphasise that the person using it is prejudiced.

     “While it is wrong to stereotype, the sad reality is -there is a majority(NOT ALL) segment of the sinhala people who have racist feelings”- Now that is an Oxymoron!

     In the same sentence you have given an example of typical bigotry associated with stereotype. It is like saying that a majority of Germans hated jews or that a majority of Israelis kill Palestinians. I would suggest that just like the innocent but beautiful artiste who has written this essay, you were really not on the ground in July 1983 to see the majority of Sinhalas come to the aid of Tamils.

     C’mon man! The girl is only 23. She has written a beautiful essay outlining her experience of sense of self. All you can bring to it is your hatred and take the opportunity to vent your grief. You don’t have to be Tamil to grieve what happened in 1983. By attacking every innocent you come across you are not going to find peace.

     All you have demonstrated in the end is your envy of her free spirit.

     Reply

2. Tony

   July 19, 2011 • 1:16 am

   1.”Post-conflict” ?

   This is the first time I’ve seen it on these pages or on the pages of major Sri Lankan newspapers and even in many foreign news outlets.

   They all talk about ”post-war” and even go to say they wish it were post-conflict.

   2.”From now on, everyone is part of the majority. It was a nice feeling after decades of distinction between the communities in the island.”

   Madam, you have no idea what life has been in the last two years in the Northeast. Have some good time and education in Sorbonne.

   Reply

   • Ravana

     July 19, 2011 • 10:28 am

     If you read the author’s original title for this essay in Sri Lanka Guardian, you would see that it was “I am..”

     The part about post-conflict is an addendum.

     Have you heard of metaphor? I suspect you just didn’t get the thesis of her essay. Your response says more about you rather than the beautiful mind of the author.

     Reply

3. Rita

   July 19, 2011 • 1:55 am

   ”whether this gentleman knew the history of his own country, a great power in the Colonization period”

   Madam

   This may come handy at Sorbonne – Sri Lankan history of the last 63 yrs:

   Jayantha Dhanapala to Lessons Learnt and Reconciliation Commission(LLRC), 30 August 2010: ‘’Each and every Government which held office from 1948 till the present bear culpability for the failure to achieve good governance, national unity and a framework of peace, stability and economic development in which all ethnic, religious and other groups could live in security and equality.Our inability to manage our own internal affairs has led to foreign intervention but more seriously has led to the taking of arms by a desperate group of our citizens.’’

   (Dhanapala was formerly UN Under-Secretary General for Disarmament and a candidate for UNSG in 2006)

   Reply

   • Ravana

     July 19, 2011 • 10:33 am

     Madam,

     All you seem to do is to reiterate the same cut and paste habit. Bashing anyone who identifies themselves as Sri Lankan ain’t gonna make you any friends! Just like the other two commentators on this you woman’s essay you are off on a tangent espousing a political agenda where there is a discourse on selfhood.

     I don’t know whether to pity you or scold you!

     Reply

     • Rita

       July 19, 2011 • 3:38 pm

       ”…. a Tamil who then immediately became a Tiger terrorist …

       …………..

       …. only to be checked if I’m a Tamil or if not, belonged to those who massacre them …..”

       Mhhhhhhhh…………

       How do you get the truth??

       Search for an authentic source ….

4. silva

   July 19, 2011 • 9:31 am

   Some journalists have been attacked for saying things similar to what was said by Sangakkara. He is tolerated by the government because the government will not be able to stand the wrath of millions of Sangakkara’s fans.

   Reply

5. Angel

   July 19, 2011 • 11:57 am

   I can’t help admiring how lucidly Ms. Cramer lets her thoughts and feelings flow across the page. Her perspective adds a new dimension to others I have read, both on this site and elsewhere. I wish her well on her journey of self discovery and self actualization.

   Reply

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